<div><p>Anger is a big feeling, especially when a kid experiences it. Whether arguing over a toy with a sibling or not getting something they wanted, a furious child can spin out of control anywhere: at the park, on a Target run, or during playtime at school. And hearing that your son or daughter hit, pushed, or bit someone else can leave you feeling embarrassed and even a little scared.<br></br></p><p>“When a child’s aggressive, they’re typically not in a place to really listen, process, or reason,â€ says pediatrician <span><a data-ga="[[&quot;Embedded Url&quot;,&quot;External link&quot;,&quot;https://drkellyfradin.com/&quot;,{&quot;metric25&quot;:1}]]" href="https://drkellyfradin.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Dr. Kelly Fradin</a></span>, the author of <span><a data-amazonasin="1538722461" data-amazontag="kinjalifehackerlink-20" data-ga="[]" data-vtas-click="self:InlineUrl:inline-url-postbody" href="https://www.amazon.com/Advanced-Parenting-Diagnoses-Differences-Challenges/dp/1538722461?asc_campaign=kinjalifehackerlink-20&amp;asc_refurl=https://lifehacker.com/what-to-do-when-your-toddler-acts-aggressively-1850875525&amp;asc_source=&amp;tag=kinjalifehackerlink-20" rel="sponsored noopener noreferrer nofollow noskim" target="_blank"><em>Advanced Parenting: Advice for Helping Kids Through Diagnoses, Differences and Mental Health Challenges.</em></a></span><em> </em>“They’re very upset and focused on what they want.â€</p><p>How can a parent get their child to change their focus and calm down? We’ll look at what parents can do to defuse a difficult situation while in the moment—and how aggressive outbursts can be tempered over time. </p><h2 id="h19854"><a id=""></a><strong>Get to the root of the behavior</strong></h2><p>When finding out what is causing a child to be aggressive, Fradin recommends using the acronym HALT. Next time your child is acting out, ask yourself if they are:</p><ul data-style="Bullet" data-type="List"><li><strong>Hungry: </strong>Your child may be thirsty or need a snack.</li><li><strong>Angry: </strong>Anticipate any behaviors that could cause your child to lash out.</li><li><strong>Lonely: </strong>Your kid may need some extra attention.</li><li><strong>Tired: </strong>Make sure they are getting enough sleep.</li></ul><p>“Even if a child isn’t really alone, they might be craving more one-on-one attention from their parents and sometimes misbehaving to get that attention,â€ says Fradin. “Some quality time where you’re paying attention to your child and not distracted by a meal prep or a phone can help.â€</p><h2 id="h19855"><a id=""></a>Give them the time and space they need, but don’t call it a timeout</h2><p>When a child acts aggressively, they may harm themselves or others. They require some time and space to regulate their feelings. While one may be quick to call it a timeout, sometimes putting that label on it or talking it out can do more harm than good, as it can bring more attention (positive and negative) to the aggressive behavior, which they may have wanted all along. Talking things out  also might be more than they can handle while in the moment.<br></br></p><p>“Sometimes, kids misbehave because they’re overstimulated, so talking about them, talking them through it, being with them, and interacting with them might be more than they can handle in that moment,â€ says Fradin. “So you have to know your child and what they need.â€</p><p>One way to calm your kid down is to set an example and be calm yourself. I’ve found that calmly asking my child to take a deep breath with me helps put us both in the right headspace to listen and work together. Then, as they relax, take a moment to check on anyone else who might have been the target of the tantrum. Not only is this the right thing to do, it shows your child how to be caring and empathetic. </p><h2 id="h19856"><a id=""></a>Go over the moment with your child</h2><p>As shown above, it might not be productive for a parent to talk to their child during an aggressive outburst. If your kid is old enough to understand their actions and has had a chance to calm down, then it’s a good idea to revisit the incident and discuss why their behavior was problematic. It helps the parent and the child work together to create a game plan.</p><p>“Ask questions like: ‘What can we do differently next time? How can I help you next time you are upset? What’s a better strategy we can take?’â€ says Fradin.</p><h2 id="h19857"><a id=""></a>Don’t reinforce the behavior</h2><p>When a child acts aggressively, a parent may unintentionally reinforce that behavior. For example: a child hits or bites someone else because they want a toy, and you give the toy to the child who is acting out to appease them. They’ll remember that being aggressive was an effective strategy, which gives them a reason to try it again. </p><p>“You do want to avoid providing positive feedback after displaying a behavior you don’t like,â€ says Fradin. “I’ve had parents put the toy on timeout. They’ll say, ‘If you both can’t figure out how to play nicely with this, we’ll just put it away.’â€</p><h2 id="h19858"><a id=""></a>It’s OK to talk to someone</h2><p>Parents often seek professional help as a last resort, but Fradin encourages parents to get help sooner rather than later. It can help bring a different perspective as well as provide emotional support and comfort to parents. </p><p>“Taking the time to have an assessment is an important tool,â€ says Fradin. “A child might have underlying neurodiversity, underlying ADHD, underlying developmental disability. Different strategies might be best for an individual child.â€</p></div>